@bystephni
01
in progress
The letters
The origin story, then a weekly rhythm on Substack — reflections on what's working (or not), personal finance, and life in Shanghai.
the long way here
May 2017. I graduated from my master's program with $200K in student loan debt — and felt nothing but excitement.
I was a fresh-faced 24-year-old starting a $125K anesthesia career in the world's largest medical complex: the Texas Medical Center. Debt didn't scare me because I had a plan. I became obsessed with personal finance, picked up extra shifts, and spent the next four years focused on one thing: paying it all off.
On September 3, 2021, I made my last student loan payment. I expected to feel free, but instead I felt hollow. The goal that had structured my life for the last four years was gone, and the question I'd been avoiding finally caught up to me: what am I actually living this life for?
The truth is, that question had been waiting for me since my grandfather passed away in 2018. Instead of facing it, I buried it under more work, more debt payments, and more distractions. But once the debt was gone, there was nowhere left to hide.
On paper, my life looked great. My salary kept climbing — almost absurdly — and walking away made less sense every year. I tried different side hustles and even attempted transitions into coding and marketing, but nothing felt meaningful enough to leave behind what I already had.
So I stayed… and slowly, I started to feel trapped.
Maybe you know that feeling, the one where you're not exactly unhappy — you have a respectable job, a good salary, an amazing life on paper — but underneath, you're quietly suffocating, waiting for the day you finally fall in love with the life you're so blessed to have.
My grandfather's passing taught me that life is more than work, making money, and buying the things I want. As my internal conflicts regarding money, comfort, and what I wanted grew, I realized I wasn't just pursuing financial security, I was starting to worship it. Money has given me opportunities I'll always be grateful for, but somewhere along the way, I let the pursuit of it scare me out of taking real action.
So in February 2025, I finally did what nobody expected: I left anesthesia and moved to Shanghai to study Mandarin.
Six months became a year, and a year became sixteen months.
And while I made some of my best memories in Shanghai, I came back — not because Shanghai failed, but because I realized the real question was never Shanghai versus the US; it was whether I'd ever build something of my own.
Today I'm back in anesthesia, funding the next chapter while I build it: writing, digital products, and small experiments that might one day give me clarity on what I really want.
Ultimately, what I know is this: I want to find out what I'm capable of when I stop making decisions out of fear. I want to build something that's mine. And I want to do it in public because I wish someone had shown me sooner that it's okay to question the path you're on and that courage isn't the absence of fear; it's acting in spite of it.
So this is me figuring it out.
What would you do if you weren't afraid of taking that next step?